The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
Now that the Olympics are over I'm gonna miss asking every day if they're still on.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) August 23, 2016
CSI: What Piece of Furniture Is Responsible For This Weird Square Bruise On My Hip
— Erin Gloria Ryan (@morninggloria) August 23, 2016
why do white men dance like that
— Hannah Giorgis (@ethiopienne) August 20, 2016
"I WILL GET ON TWITTER AND PEOPLE WILL KNOW MY NAME!" screams racist egg with 7 followers.
— Nina Bargiel (@slackmistress) August 24, 2016
Just a PSA that if u weigh yourself and take a pic of the scale number you gotta subtract 14 lbs of phone weight that's what I tell myself
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) August 22, 2016
It's only once you're a little older and wiser that you realize the "one that got away" was a jean jacket you left at a guy's house in 2003.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) August 23, 2016
somebunny in the locker room this morning had cupping marks all over her back & i whispered "are u from the olympics" but she didn't hear me
— Julia Bush (@jabush) August 23, 2016
negative thoughts are like car alarms. they usually go off at night for no reason & the only way to handle them is by blaming other people.
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) August 23, 2016
You go skydiving and I sometimes go through the Starbucks drive thru without a bra on. We are both into extreme living.
— Chelsea Lockwood (@Chelsea_Elle) August 21, 2016
friend: how are things?
me: things are good!
narrator: things were not good
— keely flaherty (@flahertykeely) August 25, 2016
Sorry I missed the sunset hike; I'm just really focusing on my drinking right now.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) August 24, 2016
Time spent grocery shopping: 35 minutes
Time spent waiting for the machine to read the chip on my credit card: 6 hours and 35 minutes
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) August 24, 2016
*gets text at 5:30*
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) August 25, 2016
"We still on for 6:30?"
"Yup. See you 5-15 minutes after that."
Having a night where I'm kind of sad for no real reason, but grateful that if anyone notices I can just sigh, say "Trump," and move on.
— Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) August 24, 2016
i've started to manspread on trains just to startle men
— caitlin white (@harmonicait) August 23, 2016
list of things im handling well currently
1.
— psycho (@invalid) August 22, 2016
Kid: Truth or dare
— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) August 19, 2016
Me: Truth
Kid: Why are you at our slumber party?
Me: Okay, fine DARE
i am wearing a floor-length jumper that laces up in the back. going to the bathroom is a 20 min commitment. can i get a gold medal in trying
— Ali V. (@alivingiano) August 24, 2016
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