TRUMP TOWER: Goodyear Satire Company--
Republican party officials are frantically combing through the wreckage that is the Trump campaign, trying to determine how to yank it out of its steady, downward corkscrew trajectory.
"Pull to the center; pull to the center," yells an urgent Reince Priebus, Republican Party Chair. Donald Trump ignores the advice,
"Hard right! Hard right!" scribbles Ann Coulter.
Instead, Trump flies by the seat of his $1095 pants, first lurching right, then left, then hard right again. "He's losing altitude," said Campaign Manager Kellyanne Conway reading her pollster's tea leaves.
Polls show Trump lower in popularity than cancer. This is a shift from last month, when Trump was tied in favorability with cancer.
Neither of Trump's new co-pilots seems able to stop the rightward drift towards Russia. "We were hit over Crimea, and we never recovered," said Co-campaign Manager Steve Bannon.
Pundits on the ground, watching the campaign plummet in long, slow circles, were philosophical. "The self-destruction was a foregone conclusion when Trump held three contradictory policies on immigration the same day," said political consultant Hiram Castlebacker. "Trump has held more positions than a yoga master's mistress."
For his part, Donald Trump is embracing his new status as a doomed candiate. He has visions in his head of a new alt-right "Trump TV" network with ex-Fox leerer Roger Ailes and Breitbart's Steve Bannon at the helm.
"My campaign is going to have the greatest flame-out in the history of flame-outs," said a beaming Donald Trump. "It's going to be a spectacular flame-out, and I'm doing all I can to make to happen."
"When we've finished imploding, there will be nothing left of the Republican Party," the candidate confidently predicted. "That'll be alt-right with me."
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MORE POLITICAL SATIRE BY MARTY RUDOY
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